Chelsea Handler Are You There, Vodka, Its Me Chelsea · Acknowledgments; CHAPTER ONE; Blacklisted; CHAPTER TWO; Chelsea in Charge; CHAPTER. It's Me, Chelsea PDF Download book for those of you who love to read. You can also get it for free by simply downloading it on our website. This Are You There. Chelsea Audiobook Free | Are You There Vodka? It's Me. It's Me, Chelsea ( free books): the selection series free pdf download; 2. Are You.
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Editorial Reviews. From Publishers Weekly. Handler proves the adage that just because one can, doesn't mean one should. This applies to both her role as a. When Chelsea Handler needs to get a few things off her chest, she appeals to a higher power—vodka. Seems reasonable, when considering that she. I was nine years old and walking myself to school one morning when I heard the unfamiliar sound of a prepubescent boy calling my name.
Chapter 1: Are You There, Vodka? I had heard my name spoken out loud by males before, but it was most often by one of my brothers, my father, or a teacher, and it was usually followed up with a shot to the side of the head. I turned around and spotted Jason Safirstein. Jason was an adorable fifth-grader with an amazing lower body who lived down the street from me. I had never walked to school, had a conversation with, or even so much as made eye contact with Jason before. After lifting up one of my earmuffs to make sure I had heard him correctly, I nervously attempted to release my wedgie while waiting for him to catch up.
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Views Total views. Actions Shares. Embeds 0 No embeds. No notes for slide. Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea free books: In this wickedly honest new work, she casts the net wider with even funnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date--including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a Peekapoo.
Displaying the candor and irresistible turn of phrase that have earned her a recurring stint as a correspondent on The Tonight Show as well as her own E! Chelsea Handler. Narrated By: Chelsea Handler Publisher: What you may not like are certain chapters that, perhaps if told aloud with her usual deadpan delivery and quirkiness, would have been funnier.
Some stories or jokes didn't translate as well on paper as they would if she were telling the story on stage in front of an audience.
In all, a good book. I get the feeling there could be a few follow-ups to 'Vodka' with how these are just random stories strung together. I ended the book laughing and smiling, feeling satisfied with this quick but enjoyable read and definitely felt it was worth the money. Wish it had been a tad bit longer and some stories came off better on paper as they probably would have delivered aloud, but, still a good, funny, humorous book that you should check out.
As always, one can count on Chelsea to tell it like it is. We all have our quirks, some of us try to hide them others don't care, Chelsea writes all about them in her latest book that covers some of her childhood and stops about two years back.
After reading it I realized that no matter what happened to her along the way, she always told her stories in such a nonchalant way that even the most horrific events that would turn most people to mush didn't really seem to stop her. I won't give spoilers but Chelsea goes through some rough patches with men and with the law, written with giggles and shocking situations that she always managed to turn in her favor at the end.
The book is easy to read and goes fast; I pretty much read it in two days, not because I'm a slow reader but life was getting in the way, and sometimes I simply needed a break form laughing.
Cute and funny, not as crude as some people say, Chelsea's sarcasm shines though at time but with charm to it, she has wit and brains too, always trying to keep her head up, trying to be nice to everyone and supporting her friends best as she can. One of the funniest parts of the book was towards the end, where she's dragged to a birthday party, hilarity erupted when the main guest of honor was staring to fall of the deep end taking her sanity with her, I laughed and laughed, and it was prefect for a relaxing weekend.
Alcohol is mentioned here, even Chelsea's trip to the nutritionist was hilarious, the results and some trauma that followed were very, very interesting for sure. She does a great job of integrating her family into the story, making me feel like I all ready spend a Sunday morning in the kitchen with them eating pancakes, except that if I was there syrup would probably come out of my nose, these people are hilarious! I hope Chelsea leads a colorful and happy life, I'd be happy to read about it some more.
I feel like I've come late to the party that is Chelsea Handler, but better late than never. This collection of stories is in a word, hilarious. Chelsea is a natural storyteller and these pages go by so quickly I found myself looking for more when I reached page She's original, irreverent, bawdy, gutsy and VERY funny. It's hard to pick a favorite, but the story of boyfriend Mohammad and the Peekapoo apparently a gay dog , and another that included a night with the drunken "midget" named Kimmy, had me laughing out loud and sharing snippets.
There are no stinkers in the collection, each is funnier than the previous as you get to know her humor and her quirks, which yes--DO include a lot of vodka.
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Get to Know Us. site Payment Products. English Choose a language for shopping. Word Wise: Enhanced Typesetting: My mother was always a softie, and once I got over to her, I knew my father would cease being such an immediate physical threat.
Then the older girls will go back to calling me a dog. What is driving around in a Mercedes or a BMW going to teach you? Half of them need to be jump-started on a daily basis. Do you understand me?
It took one look from him to send me airborne in the direction of the staircase, which I took two steps at a time. Once safely inside my room, I weighed my options. I could either tell the truth to all the kids at school and endure that embarrassment, or go for the more palatable option—enroll myself in a performing arts boarding school.
Instead, I got out some loose-leaf notebook paper and started a letter to Goldie Hawn: Dear Goldie, I am a third-grader from New Jersey and consider myself to be a huge fan of yours as well as a compulsive liar.
I made the mistake of mentioning that I would be playing your daughter in the next installment of Private Benjamin. A fine performance if I do say so myself. I have seen a lot of movies, and can pretty much, without a sliver of a doubt, tell you that your range far outweighs the likes of Robert De Niro or, my personal favorite, Don Johnson.
Anyway, it would be of great help to me if you could either come to my school in New Jersey and pick me up for lunch, or send me a personalized autographed photo that reads: My Dearest Chelsea, Working together has been a dream come true.
Love Always, Goldie, your second mom Once I sealed the envelope, I spent three hours trying to get to her agent on the phone. The furthest I got was to an operator at William Morris who gave me the address for fan mail.
I wanted to tell him that there was a better chance of me shaving my head and walking to school with a dog collar and a leash around my neck than there was of me admitting I had lied. I walked out the door and it was a beautiful spring day. For the first time, I was excited to go to school instead of dreading it the whole way there. With that wave of confidence came the feeling that I was, in a way, impenetrable.
I was the same exact person I had been the day before, but now I was being treated better and the older kids wanted to be friends with me.
I had found myself engaging, charismatic—even sublime at times. I had all the charm I believed a true movie star to have. Who cares if I had lied about starring in Private Benjamin Returns?
In the midst of all the commotion, I truly believed something magical had happened. I had burst into womanhood, and never felt more alive. I decided right there and then that I was going to tell the truth. As I descended the hill where we lived, I spotted Jason at the bottom, standing on the sidewalk in front of his house.
There was a part of me that felt bad for him for allowing himself to fall in love with me so quickly, and another part of me that was annoyed that he had such little self-respect. I decided I was going to have to break the news to him first. All I knew was that it felt better than confessing. Plus, the idea of getting imaginary rock-hard abs was intoxicating.
I knew then that Jason and I could never really build a solid partnership, mostly because our relationship had been based on inconsistencies. I spent the rest of the week confirming one ridiculous tale after another, and by Friday I was exhausted. Although the benefits of my newfound fame outweighed the burden of coming up with one celebrity tale after another, I was so disgusted and bored with myself after a week, I was ready to throw myself out of my second-story window.